Instalment 3 of the Rejection Chronicles Covid Edition. [This is a piece I was asked to write for a Cows Twitter account that was looking for a book deal. Background: Devin Nunes is a Republican congressman from California. Before he was a congressman he was a dairy farmer. When he became a congressman, Trump could do no wrong in his books. Congressman Nunes did not take a fancy to the Twitter account that was quite critical of him. He decided to sue the Twitter account. This is the cows story]
Matt Zimbel (c) 2019
Hay, how you doin’? I’m Devin Nunes Cow. You can call me DNC. Look, I don’t mean to get all anthropomorphic on you, but since I started my Twitter account a couple of months ago things have been a little mad cow… media requests are off the hook, Ben and Jerry are talking a seven-figure advance (seasonal promo only – moowhoooo!) and I’m getting sued for $250 million dollars by a twit for a tweet who also happens to be my former farmer. 250 mil is a lot of coin but “lawmaker’s” lawsuit won’t cow me. I was artificially inseminated, I cannot be bullied. Bottom line… and I don’t mean to be pretentious here, but I’m well on my way to over a million Twitter followers, I’ve got a war chest of a defense fund and my attorney, the pig, Mr. Robert Pork, recommended I burnish my profile with this piece. I know, udderly ridiculous, huh?
Ok, I admit, DNC does sound a little democratic…maybe a little um, socialist but I like the initial vibe, sounds a lot like AOC –kinda cool, kind of ascendant, a little outraged. But before we get too deep into the shit as we say here on the farm, let me chew the cud with you on who I am, kind of a “who’s the beef” backgrounder.
I’m a Holstein dairy cow. To put it in black and white for you coastal elites I’m a milk cow, that means I’m a girl beef, actually more of a mom beef. Yes, I’m black and white, you’ve probably seen me staring dumbly at your car and swatting flys with my tail as you drove the kids to summer camp. As a mom beef my job is basically to breast feed y’all. Everyday. Quite early actually. I was artificially inseminated (animal husbandry is not as romantic as you might think) in California but now I live in Idaho. Like my former farmer I have lots of thoughts about big Ag, the Mooler Report and the right to free mooovment in America but let me get back to my stats. I’m 5 feet tall, I weigh about 1500 lbs. I think I’m attractive. Now you might be confusing me with another breed of milk cow, the Jersey. Don’t. Those doe eyed Jersey bitches you see all the time on milk chocolate packages make me sick. A cute little cow on chocolate packaging! Can you imagine that? Those skinny sluts wouldn’t know what to do at Dairy Queen if their lives depended on it. Look, I’m large, close to a ton, I’ve got two stomachs, I’m good with that. Besides Jersey’s are originally from the Channel Islands, a British self-governing bailiwick not New Jersey…though former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie claimed otherwise on CNN… fuhgeddaboudit. I, on the other hand are a symbol of the heartland of America. Our national cut line goes: “As American as Mom and Apple Pie” and milk. Yes, and milk goddamn it! They left us out of the slogan but there’s always a glass of milk in the shot. Always. I’m not bitter but forget to put me back in the fridge on a hot summer’s day and I get sour.
Look, I know what you’re thinking, how does a cow in Idaho get embroiled, no, sorry, don’t use that word embroiled, it’s a trigger for me, for obvious reasons (talkin’ to you Burger King!). How do I, a cow, get into a quarter billion-dollar lawsuit with my former farmer? Gentleman farmer my ass. Let me tell you something about lawmaker Nunes, he touched my teats twice a day for years. So, this is my mootoo story and gentleman farmer is going to have some stuff to process besides cheese after I’m done testifying in front of Shiff. Believe me this is not fake moos. No bull.
Actually, truth be told, the suit has been good for me. I don’t know how much you know about Bovine Lit, but publishers have been cattle calling me and my people are talking Madow, Colbert, Kimmel. Plans are under whey for a national milk in and a free the cow demo on the national mall. The thing about a bovine book tour is, unlike your typical grouchy hungover mid list author I love doing the morning shows… I would just recommend someone bring a shovel.
I know Washington is a dog and pony show, but I’ve got all the moos that’s fit to print. I hope you’re not lactose intolerant.