Pork Products For All


The Story

The Rejection Chronicles Covid Edition continues today with another instalment from my take on Devin Nune’s Cow, this time opining on the Pork Industry and the Trump Administration – sound dull? Look, if people didn’t; love Pork you think they would have invented vegetarian bacon? Happy Mothers Day! – Enjoy.  (c) 2019 Matt Zimbel

Hay, DNC here and today I thought we might chew the cud about President Trump’s February 2019 executive order deregulating the pork industry. As you likely know, I’m a vegetarian, basically a living breathing lawn-mower who likes the odd Buddha grain bowl…hold the grilled chicken and don’t cheap out on the Swiss chard.


So look, I get it, I’m a cow, it’s fair game to ask what I know about pork.

Well, I’ve shared a few barnyards with future pork product and let me tell ya pigs get a super raw deal*. First, full disclosure, my attorney Mr. Robert Pork, is a pig, damn smart one too. He’s acting for me fighting Devin’s frivolous $250 million dollar lawsuit. Solicitor Pork is on retainer, so in no way am I trying to suck up to him with this shout out, though I’m not sure the same could be said for him. Those boys do like their milk.

Anymoo, main point here is pigs maintain their pig sties with a cleanliness and organization that is really quite remarkable for the barnyard. They designate strict areas of their pen, one for food, one for sleeping, one for water and one for fecal matter. Now when it comes to cleanliness, my people are less rigorous …I just lift my tail and let one go. Sometimes, I don’t even bother to lift my tail. That’s why they call them cow pads…cuz the whole pad is a mess. Sometimes we even tease each other about “poopy tail”.

Trump wants to deregulate the pork industry to allow the producers themselves to replace the USDA and self-regulate their own meat inspections. Holy cow, you’re killing me here! At the same time the White House is proposing this ham- fisted solution of letting the pork producers accelerate the kill line so they can slaughter more pork, quicker and therefore make more money. Problem is the quicker things move in a slaughterhouse the more fecal matter taints the meat. I told you earlier how good the pigs are at managing their fecal matter but I think we can all agree that we shouldn’t expect them to continue doing so after they die.

Now a lot of people think this is another one of those Jewish conspiracies. The reasoning goes like this – the Jews don’t eat pork, and the hot dog lobby is owned by the Jews and well you see where I’m going with this, no? Neither do I. Let me just say, if you’re thinking about keeping Kosher, now’s the time.

America! Where’s the beef?

Oh, right, perhaps not.



*(No, sorry, never “raw” actually, always cook to at least medium.)

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Matt Zimbel

Matt Zimbel


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